Victim of Culture

How to write a game review online

With the proliferation of blogs, it now seems video game reviews are everywhere.  So, which ones can you trust?  Which provide valuable analysis of a game and its value?  Who cares?  Writing game reviews for the Internet is about much more than whether the game is good or not.  See below for some "techniques" to utilize in making yourself a game review legend.

Tourette Tendencies

What is it?
The uncontrollable urge to curse wildly in your review.  Remember, writing online is all about earning "nerd cred."  What is that?  Nerds would like to be like the cool kids, but since they never get invited to the cool kid parties their only real view of what cool kids do comes from Martin Scorsese films and the Fonz.  Helplessly they toss random four letter words into their sentences.

Example?
The new Prince of Persia is a piece of shit.  Fuck it, and the piece of shit magic carpet it rode in on.

Internet Meme Syndrome

What is it?
Again, how does one establish that all important nerd cred in a review?  Superior grasp of the concept is too much work, so instead toss in some random popular Internet sayings.  The more obscure and fresh the better, but even golden oldies never truly turn sour with age.  They’re more like wines.  Bonus points if you combine multiple references.

Example?
While playing Red Alert 3 I got the distinct impression that the opposing forces thought all my base belong to them, but I went all Chuck Norris on them.  They had doubts, but they were all epic fail, and I was all yes we can.

Homoxenoism

What is it?
Look, no one online is gay, female, or some race different than you personally.  This is reflected in the games you play, so it must be true!  Random out of place homophobic, xenophobic, or just plain sexist comments are generally a good idea since there can’t possibly be anyone reading it who would be offended.  Those people don’t play games.  They go shopping for berets.

Example?
Gears of War 2 is a giant big gay French whoebag.  I keep waiting for it to offer me a rainbow encrusted wheel of cheese while some stupid woman tries to tell me how to eat with my mouth closed.  I hate you Jeanie.

Nostalgic Nadir

What is it?
Everything was better in the past.  Games, music, women, and even the light from the sun.  Don’t agree?  Just try playing a modern Final Fantasy.  They completely lack the hardcoreness of Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest.  Whatever you are reviewing, be sure to compare it to a game from the past that was better.  Even if they’re in different genres.  Sorry this post isn’t better, but nothing will ever top Homoxenoism.

Example?
God of War II may be a fine action title, but it lacks in so many areas that Afterburner excelled.  They just don’t make them with aircraft carriers anymore.

Fanboy Fantastico

What is it?
You may run a web site that only reviews Xbox 360 titles, but you still want to get a few jabs in on the Wii, right?  What’s holding you back?  Reviews don’t have to be contained simply to the game or platform you’re reviewing.  They’re open invitations to rant about the current state of gaming, and particularly to rail against your system of choice.  The more outrageous your claims the more likely that they’ll ring true to fellow fanboys.

Example?
Madden NFL Football 09 for the Xbox 360 is a triumph in graphics!  It finally lives up to their infamous target video they released several years back.  One system that will never live up to those graphics is the Wii because it’s for babies.  John  Madden has even said he’d prefer they didn’t make his game for the Wii anymore.

Analytic Sycophant

What is it?
Remember that one literature or film course you took in college?  Remember how they told you sometimes things are about other things than they say they’re about?  Like how Heart of Darkness is about the Vietnam War, or something?  You should totally do that in game reviews.  Again, the more off the wall your theory sounds the more likely that you’re reading deeper and really "getting it" where others do not.

Example?
New Super Mario Bros. may seem like a fun game for all ages, but what’s with the mushrooms he eats to get bigger?  I guess that makes Princess Toadstool a total crack whore, too.  And Luigi I’m tight with because he’s into the environment like me.  Think about it folks.

Name-dropitis

What is it?
Similar to Nostalgic Nadir, the technique here is to always use the most obscure titles you can when comparing a title.  Look, if you want to be perceived as someone who knows video games, then you need to show people that you know all video games–even ones that were never released!

Example?
Ace Combat 5 is an interesting flight sim, but I can’t help but be reminded of the third level of the unreleased StarFox 2.  Haven’t played it?  You should.

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