Victim of Culture

Moviegoers Bill of Rights

We all know that going to the theater to see a movie can be a pain these days.  From crowded shopping complexes, high ticket prices, and limited parking, one can feel like it’s not even worth it before they get inside.  But the true horror, for many, begins once they do venture into the theater itself. 

If the industry is truly as scared as they claim to be about the proliferation of home theaters, then they need to do something.  Just like there has been pressure on the airline industry for a passenger bill of rights, there too needs to be a moviegoer bill of rights.  Not just for theater owners, but for those in attendance as well.  With that, I humbly present the following solution (and yes, this is more in the form of the US Constitution than the Bill of Rights, but one had a better ring to it).

Preamble (i.e. before you enter the theater)

1. No stalking people leaving the theater looking for a parking spot.  Walk the extra ten feet.
2. No loitering among teenagers.  There’s nothing cool in front of the theater.  Go to the mall instead, it’s meant for loitering.

Article I (Prices of Tickets and Food)

1. No ticket price should exceed the price of that week’s new DVD releases.  In other words, your ticket prices can not exceed the $15 I can get a new film on DVD at Wal-Mart or Best Buy.,
2. Prices of ticket cannot wildly vary from day to time to movie experience, etc.  Give me a flat rate so I have some idea what I am paying and when.  Matinee rates are fine, but anything beyond that is just a pain.
3. Allow me to purchase a drink smaller than one gallon.
4. No pricing of soft drinks over $5.  Sorry.
5. If you are going to sell me overpriced candy, at least get in the good name brands.  What is the deal with the off brand gummy bears?

Article II (The Theater Environment)

1. No labyrinth to get to the ticket counter.  Just a straight queue.
2. No blaring sound in the theater lobby.  You know, I might actually have to discuss things with the people I’m with.  Keep the loud sound from previews in the actual theater.
3. Keep the theater clean.  I do not like going to a movie and wading through spilled drinks and food.  If I wanted that I’d go to a frat party.
4. Number the different theaters in a coherent manner.  Theaters one, two, three, and four should all be in the same hallway—not spread out all over the complex.
5. Do not place an isle down the center of the theater.  The prime spot for watching anything is dead center, so why would you remove those seats?
6. There should be at least 2-3 spots in every theater designed for people in wheelchairs to comfortably watch a film.  Really, it isn’t that hard.

Article III (The Equipment)

1. Projectors should not be dimmed to save the life of bulbs.  This actually doesn’t work, and it makes the film less vibrant for the paying audience.
2. The sound system should be surround by this point.  And no, you do not have to remind us with fifty different animations before the film.
3. Screens should be larger than what is at home.  Barring the possibility that I might be Bill Gates, every theater screen should dwarf what I watch movies on at home.  Otherwise, what’s the point?
4. If you sell a ticket for Imax, it had better be Imax.  None of this retrofitted theater for Imax screening shenanigans.
5. Projectionists should man projectors, and not kids.  The people working projectors should actually have some idea what they’re doing, and not simply twenty minutes of training.
6. Projectionists should monitor the first five minutes of a film.  That way no one will ever have to leave the theater again to report an upside down film, or sound that is blasting people out of end row seats.

Article IV (The Audience)

1. If a baby begins to cry it must be escorted from the theater.  Yes, you paid for your ticket, but so did everyone else.  Some theaters even have crying rooms for this, and you should use them.
2. All cell phone use should be blocked by signal blockers.  No one is so important that they can’t be disconnected from the outside world for two hours.  If you are, you shouldn’t be going to a movie in the first place.
3. No MST3King the movies.  Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a great show, but you are most certainly not as funny as anyone on that show.  Stop it.
4. No chewing with mouth open.  This is general etiquette, but everyone seems to forget in the theater and chomps on their popcorn with mouths wide open.  It isn’t just about hiding your food, but hiding the sound of you chewing it.
5. Sit still.  Honestly, if you suffer from ADHD perhaps going to a dark room where the only thing you can do is sit still and look at one spot on a wall for two hours isn’t the best idea.  Wait for the DVD.
6. After a film is over, please proceed orderly out the door you came in.  As soon as the lights come on people stand up and get a deer in the headlights look like they’re stunned about where they are how they got there.  If you’re confused, remain seated so others can leave.
7. Do not kick seats.  If you are too far to fit in a row, then set where no one else is.
8. No talking about the movie out loud.  If you cannot figure out the plot, again, perhaps there are better ways to spend your time than at a movie.  Look, here’s a nice rock.

What are your additions or changes?  Suggest them below in the comments.

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