Victim of Culture

Waiting periods on purchasing…anything

Our current economic recession has taught us one thing—if we screw up bad enough we can cry long enough until Washington will mortgage our futures to bail us out (and yes, both the Bush and Obama administrations are guilty of this).  But if there’s one lesson we should have learned (but almost certainly did not), it’s that we can not keep up a consumption driven economy.  By that I mean we can’t be expected to keep the endless supply of retail store clones in business by accumulating more and more debt.  Just ask Circuit City…oh, wait, never mind.

So, what’s the solution to our ills?  A simple solution is to simply buy less, but humans (and perhaps Americans especially) are low on will power.  If we had better will power there’d be no need to widen airplane seats and reinforce the Wii Balance Board for up to 300 pounds (at least in the US).  We’re weak and we need, so may I offer a modest proposal that solves two political lightning rods?

How do we impose tighter gun control while at the same time solving our economic perils?  Simple, impose a waiting period on buying…anything.  I know what you’re thinking, “But what about food?”  And while it might at first seem a good idea to combat the obesity epidemic, it’s probably best to exempt food and other necessities such as deodorant and toothpaste.  We don’t need anymore stinky people with rotting teeth.  That’s why we left England and France and came here.  Everything else?  Waiting period.

Want a DVD of Transformers 2?  You’ll have to wait.  How long?  Maybe a week.  That sounds fair.  Impulse purchasing would be a thing of the past.  No longer would you be tempted by the special offer on Full House seasons one through seven on sale at Best Buy.  When you took them to the counter the clerk would tell you to fill out a form and then return in a week to make your purchase.  You’d have an entire week to rethink if you really need fifty plus hours of Uncle Jesse and Joey (you don’t).

You might think a background check would also be appropriate, but you’d be wrong.  What would we check?  To see if you’re really a John Stamos fan, or just buying them to recut them into a hilarious YouTube video mocking him?  That’s a waste of taxpayer money since we all know the answer.

It would also serve to quiet gun fanatics who feel they need their guns that afternoon.  You know, to kill that annoying woodpecker who keeps coming home smelling of other men’s cologne.  That cheap harlot of a woodpecker.  It might catch on to your plans if you wait a week.  But now you’re just like everyone else, including that obnoxious neighbor who’s considering buying a woodpecker feeder.  That analogy got a lot dirtier than I intended.

I doubt such a fantastic idea would ever pass in Congress—mostly because most Congressmen are from tourist towns that would be decimated by such a law.  Goodbye Mackinac Island, Michigan!  But it still seems like a generally decent buying philosophy to live by.

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